One of the most common complaints one hears in schools or in speaking about experiences children have with friends is that there is bullying taking place. Any unkind act is considered bullying. To properly deal with bullying, we have to know what constitutes bullying. Bullying is different from incivility, disruptive behavior, harassment, and other acts that are not kind or appropriate.
As parents, educators, and social workers, knowing and understanding the difference between these facilitates applying appropriate measures to redress these ills. Unless we fully understand the differences, we lessen our chances of addressing actual bullying.
The bully is a predator. S/he relentlessly and cruelly picks on the weakest kid in class or interactions with someone. A bullying behavior takes place when three things take place: 1) there has to be a target – the target can be a person or a group; 2) the behavior has to be harmful; 3) the behavior is repeated over time – may be repeated multiple times for a week or so. The above go beyond incivility, rudeness, and disruptive behavior.
So, the next time bullying comes up, ask yourself if there is a target and if the act is harmful and repetitive over some time (i.e., a week or so). Also, ask yourself if all the actions you are now calling “bullying” identified as such when you were growing up.
The consequences of bullying on the victim’s psychological health, social well-being, and learning are both short and long-term. The negative impact permeates the school, lasts a lifetime, and strikes at the core of the moral values we look to instill in children.
There is a beautiful book entitled Girl Wars, written by Cheryl Dellasega and Charisse Nixon. I highly recommend it as an addition to one’s library. Though I read this book over a decade ago, the many authentic and poignant stories experienced by the characters in the manuscript documented the different shades of bullying, including those of relational aggression RA_ – using words instead of fists – can be just as, if not more, devastating to the target. The 12 strategies outlined by the authors provide plausible solutions to dealing with RA and various forms of bullying.
Children will make lots of daily mistakes as they develop physically, socially, emotionally, and academically. Seldom are they bullies. Let’s be patient with them! As parents & educators, we are obligated to help them improve their standing in all these areas and teach them ways of resolving conflict and gaining independence as they navigate experiences that can sometimes be less than kind.
Recommended Reading:
- The Bullied Brain and Restore Your Health by Jennifer Fraser
- Stick and Stone by Beth Ferry and Tom Lichtenheld (for kids of all ages)